oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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