apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
