If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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