My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
