I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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