mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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