I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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