if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
