I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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