well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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