I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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