Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
