There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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