She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
