My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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