i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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