after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
