her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
