my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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