Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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