I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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