Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
