My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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