If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We don't watch enough power rangers
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
