But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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