you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i dont even know how to be here
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
