You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
