the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
