my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my shit smells like andre
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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