Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
