I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
