These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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