new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
