I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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