Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
