my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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