Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
