I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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