Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
