So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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