Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
