From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
