My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
my sisters under your porch take her home
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
