The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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