you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
