That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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