Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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