EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
