Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Send help, water and tortillas.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
