look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
